put out the fire boys

beargarden @ 2008-06-09T00:09:00

2008-06-09T07:14:31Z

i've lost my ability to write.

beargarden @ 2008-04-02T00:59:00

2008-04-02T08:00:43Z

i think something good might be happening to me.

beargarden @ 2008-03-24T22:17:00

2008-03-25T05:18:12Z

*peeks head in*
'ello.
i has computer nao.
that is all.

beargarden @ 2008-02-27T13:36:00

2008-02-27T21:40:34Z

my computer is dead.
just thought i would let those of you who are less likely to check myspace than here (coughkaciecough).
i have no idea when it will be fixed or when i can get a new one. it sucks huge balls.
the end.

help a brotha out

2008-02-23T10:05:06Z

hey everyone, i need a favor big time.

basically, one of my favorite bands, Walls of Jericho, was set to hit a 44-city tour this coming week with a bunch of other good bands. i've been looking forward to this show for months and am planning on driving from San Diego to Hollywood to see it. however, this band's label, Trustkill, decided to pull their tour funding and support at the (almost) last minute and now they're not playing any of the dates. it's total bullshit and i've started a petition to try and get them back on the tour.

if you could all sign this for me, whether you know/like the band or whatever, it would mean a lot.
http://www.petitiononline.com/wallsof/petition.html

i don't know if it'll work, but it's worth a shot.

beargarden @ 2008-01-22T23:29:00

2008-01-23T07:31:00Z

in all honesty,
i am devastated.

beargarden @ 2008-01-04T10:32:00

2008-01-04T18:31:11Z

honestly, i'm gonna be pretty bummed if they decide not to keep me at Borders....

beargarden @ 2007-12-04T11:38:00

2007-12-04T19:49:53Z

so i guess i haven't posted in a while. i'm a big fan of the bulletin function, so let's use that.

finally got a job at Borders. right now i'm just seasonal, but it's going really well and if i can somehow learn to stand for seven or eight hours on end without my legs being totally dead in the hours/day following, i will probably try and stay. i work registers at the moment, which is fine, but if they keep me, they'd be training me on info so i could work the rest of the store. it's a pretty cool job and it helps that everyone so far has been pretty nice (except for a couple people who haven't been mean per se, just not warm/friendly). so yeah, there's that bit.
it's now December in case you hadn't noticed. i think we will be getting our Christmas tree today. speaking of Christmas and my job, that's where everyone will be getting their presents this year because i have a sweet 33% discount on most things (except DVDs and CDs but i still get 10 or 20%, i forget). what's even better than 33% is they're having another 'employee appreciate day' where your 33% discount becomes a 40% discount. can't beat that shit.
went and saw Stolen Babies and Creature Feature up in Hollywood with el Katy and Caroline. good times, good times. we went up super early so we could explore Hollywood a bit. we walked all over Hollywood Blvd and saw all the stars and the Chinese Theater and whatnot. it was pretty cool. we also spent a bit of time at the mall there, Hollywood and Highland. then we went over to Amoeba music which is just fucking epic. if you ever get a chance to go, do it. also, before the show at Johnny Rockets, we met a Mexican greaser named Chewy. good times. and the show was fun but kind of weird because there was no crowd movement for the most part. oh and i saw Danny Bonaduce inside Longs.
as for Walls of Jericho, they were absolutely amazing again and i had so much fun even though i got the shit kicked out of me. we were right up front again, singing along and getting some mic play from Candace. during the set, towards the end, all these stage divers popped up and i got kicked in the face and then like two minutes later i got punched in the nose. i was sure i broke it, but it didn't bleed and it's doing just fine. Aaron gave me a drumstick that isn't Walls' but it's a drumstick. afterwards we went out by the merch and talked to the merch girl Brooke, and Aaron and Chris. i had a blast.
next thing that's coming up is probably Lamb of God up in Long Beach with a bunch of people because i'm not working and Katy is insisting that i go. :P so yeah that's probably the next adventure.

beargarden @ 2007-11-02T07:18:00

2007-11-02T14:41:06Z

just some things.

i just made possibly the worst cup of coffee ever. seriously. FAIL.
yesterday (two days ago?) was Halloween but it kinda sorta sucked balls. FAIL.
still don't have a job. FAIL.
it's now November. FAIL.

Katy and i were thanked in the new Otep album. WINWINWINWINWINWIN. SO MUCH MOFUCKING WIN.
Stolen Babies, Creature Features, Walls de Jericho at the end of the month. WIN!

aaaaaaand i think that's it. i really don't have anything interesting to say, so here's a picture of a baby chipmunk:

beargarden @ 2007-10-28T12:16:00

2007-10-28T20:18:07Z

you know, it may be tactless for jerry to ash his cigarettes off over the side of the patio, but it's also tactless to talk about not only him, but my whole family to other neighbors so everyone can hear.

beargarden @ 2007-10-18T17:28:00

2007-10-19T01:07:34Z

i am frustrated and disappointed.
i am frustrated and disappointed with most everything, my home life being the most frustrating and disappointing currently, but it is not by any means the only part of my life, of America's and humanity's lives, that is discouraging.

i've been "away" from home (read: not living at home, but coming to visit twice a week or so for a few hours) for a month now. i never thought my mother would allow it to reach the point it has. i thought i would spend maybe a week at my grandma's and my mom would realize what was important and tell Jerry to leave so i could come back. but this just goes to show how terribly desperate my mother is and how apparently idiotic i am. i should have known, sadly from experience, that when there is a man involved, my sister and i are pushed to the background and my mom becomes an entirely different person. thankfully though, she is trying to get him to leave by this weekend. unfortunately, however, she just came in and asked me what she should do if he won't leave.

rawr.

i know everybody says this, and most people end up doing it anyway, but i don't want to end up like my mother. i feel like i won't, but it always is at the back of my mind. i'm always wondering if i'll be in the same predicament financially (which is horrible, by the way...i'll elaborate) and have a stupid boyfriend that i hate or have no boyfriend at all but want one so desperately that i'm willing to put myself in dangerous situations and/or ignore my family in order to find one. that terrifies me. it terrifies me to think that in 20 years i could possibly have no career, be relying on someone else to make sure i'm eating, paying my bills. it seems so confining, so demeaning in a way. i do not want to be like my mother. and i don't want her to continue doing what she's been doing either, but no matter how much i try and get her to change, she's secretly unwilling and she'll only ever change if she decides she wants to.

but yeah, our financial situation is just terrible. we were all living off of social security checks that we were receiving from my father's death (which is not smart...it's meant to help out, not to live off of) but my check ran out a couple months back, so now all we have is Chelsea's which is $1200/month and rent alone is nearly $700/month. my mom did have a job where she was making about $400/week but Jerry convinced her to quit that. Jerry of course is bringing in no money whatsoever and does in fact owe my mother and my great grandparents a good sum of money (i don't know exactly, but i'd guess well over $1200). my mom has been looking for another job and so have i. i planned on going back to school for spring classes but now it's just not going to happen. i'm going to have to find a full time job and just work as much as i can and help my mom dig herself out of the hole Jerry has buried her in. it's a sad life, but it's the way i gotta live. i can't go out and have fun anymore because we don't have any money. finding a job is kicking my ass, too. i never thought it would be this hard but i'm inexperienced and young and don't have a great employment history but i absolutely need something or there's a risk of my family being kicked out of our place and going hungry. doesn't help we live in southern California, the most expensive effing place to live.

anyways, that's all i got pretty much. i just felt like bitching. there's quite a bit more to bitch about but i don't have the clarity of mind or patience to write about it. all in all, i am discouraged and disenchanted with most aspects of life. i can't help but feel i've been cheated out of something, that i've been mislead to believe life was something quite a bit easier, quite a bit more enjoyable and a hell of a lot more beautiful than it turned out to be. that being said, i am such a romantic to the point where it is morbid and pathetic so i'll probably keep holding on to my idealistic views of the world until oh, i'd say nuclear war.

in other, better news, i don't know how i lived before Pushing Daisies.

in the face of grave defeat

2007-10-12T12:58:51Z

alrighty, so i decided to come home to my mom's house tonight because i am sick of being at my grandparents'. no doubt about it, i love my grandparents, but it's absolutely killing me to be without internet, or more importantly a screen and a keyboard, since that is my medium. i don't know what it is that makes it so much easier to type out my thoughts versus physically writing them down on a piece of paper but those methods are really not comparable by any means. anyway, i feel pretty awkward being here which makes me feel ridiculous because it is my OWN god damn house, but it really doesn't feel like that anymore. i know this will come out terribly emo and 14-year-old mall goth, but fuck it; i don't feel like i belong anywhere anymore. i'm a guest in my grandparents' house and now apparently i'm a guest in my own fucking house. the only time i feel at home is when i'm out about in the world, whether it's sitting in a parking lot, walking around or fucking sleeping on the street in West Hollywood, that's the only time i feel like i belong somewhere. maybe i should become a bum. :)

regardless, Target decided they're gonna be fucking douchebags and continue not to hire me so i'm still left in the predicament of finding a job. i wish the mall was a bit closer or something ljsdjsodjsoad. i don't want to talk about jobs right now.

i've been sitting here for probably five hours writing stupid, idiotic Javey fanfiction but it's therapeutic so whatever i suppose.
i'm supposed to meet up with loverface aka xx_anathema_xx in about seven hours so i can dye her hair black and green.
i'm still thinking about shaving all my hair off into a mohawk.

balls.

quick rundown

2007-09-22T22:12:31Z

me and my mom's boyfriend got in a huge fight
i left my mom's house because i'm not going to be standing for that shit
i am staying at my grandparents' house
i am kinda living out of my backpack
i am currently without internet (at the library right now)
on a lighter note, BA next week and katy and i are going to the AFI DF secret show at the Troubadour.

so yeah, that's that. just thought i would pop in and let you all know what's up. <3

f-stop blues

2007-09-15T13:31:03Z

so here i am at SIX FUCKING A.M. what the goddamn hell am i doing awake? i haven't even been to bed yet and i'm sick. i don't get it. anyways, i felt compelled to update. as you can see, i have a new default icon and i'm kind of in love with it. not only do i have a new icon, but i have a new layout too. new, new, new. i also went through and tagged all of my old entries (which were surprisingly few and sporadic). but of course this means shit to you, doesn't it? :D

speaking of new, i stretched to 1/2" today finally, but i'm kinda worried about my ears. they're still a little sore. i guess i'll just have to ride it out and keep an eye on how things progress. also, my tragus is being a fucking dickhead, now i know why i never got my helix repierced. my cartilege does not like having jewelry in it at all.

i'm hungry.

what else can i say? i still don't have a job and in fact, am not even really looking for one at the moment. why, you ask? no doubt i need the fucking money and health insurance more than i can put into words, but it's a matter of transportation. my mom's car is out of commission right now (and has been for a while), so for a while there jerry was getting up every morning and taking her to work/picking her up but of course, he could only do that so long before sloth and gluttony won out so now she has to take my car to work every day. i thought about getting a job where she works, or at least, in the general area so we could carpool, but she doesn't like her job at all and is going to start looking for a new one i guess, so really, what's the point? i feel like i'm sixteen years old all over again. i can't go anywhere, i don't have a job, i don't go to school, i'm staying up all night and sleeping most of the day. i'm bound to lose my mind pretty soon here.

and when it comes to losing my mind, jerry sure is doing his part in contributing to a nervous breakdown of sorts. nothing's gotten better, in fact, things have only really gotten worse to the point where i have walked around the grocery store, telling my mother VERY loudly that i'm going to stab her boyfriend in the throat, much to the horror of the random strangers all around me. the house is still a mess. he still doesn't contribute anything at all. he still doesn't give two shits about me or my sister or my family. he's still a fat, ignorant, lying fucktard who, judging by that god awful hacking he's been doing the past few days, is close to death. that'll save me a manslaughter conviction. you know what he did the other day? he called me up to come down and help him and my mother with groceries. HE CALLED ME SEXY. it's not funny. it's not a joke. it's disgusting and a breach of whatever the fuck kind of relationship we have. he does it a lot now and it's fucking gross. i ignore him 98% of the time, treating him more like a painful malady rather than a part of this household. god, i hate him. makes me miss brian.

i'm really dissatisfied and disenchanted with life right now. and when that happens, i usually do one of two things. the first thing being, i try my damnedest to make some honest changes in my life, take an active step in fixing what i don't like about what's going on. the second being i rely mainly on writing shitty fanfiction and short stories as a way to distract myself and transport myself into a life where shit actually makes sense, i'm actually interesting, and most importantly perhaps, i'm in control. it's about 50/50 right now, i could go either way, but judging by the fluidity of the words coming out of my fingertips at the moment i'm going to take a wild fucking guess and say the latter is more probable.

i will leave you with two entirely different final thoughts:

"it's only after we've lost everything
that we're free to do anything."
- chuck palahniuk, fight club

army of darkness kicks ass.

beargarden @ 2007-09-14T03:00:00

2007-09-14T10:02:45Z

Name -
A rap song: "I Like Big Butts"!
A song by Fergie: FERGALICIOUS.
A vegetable: broccoli.
A band: The Shins.
A flower: lillies.
A male name: ernest.
A female name: regina.
A stereotype: scene fag.
A sexual position: reverse cowgirl.
A cell phone provider: verizon.
A previous president: Nixon.
A book: Invisible Monsters.
An artist: Damien Hirst.
A letter: X.
A number: 13.
An instrument: digeridoo.
A website: wikipedia.org.
A beverage: water or, more recently, vanilla coke zero.
A designer clothing company: n/a
A clothing company: n/a
A fast food chain: TACO MOFUCKING BELL.
A restaurant: Pokez.
A city in New York: Albany.
A city in California: San Diego.
A city in Colorado: Denver.
A city in Florida: Miami.
A city in Michigan: Hell.
A song by Eminem: "Stan".
A song by Carrie Underwood: n/a
A song by Fall out boy: n/a
A song by Panic! at the Disco: n/a but i guess there's a lot of Palahniuk references in their songs. sad. :(
A song by Avril Lavigne: "Boyfriend"?
A month: october.
A day of the week: friday.
A fruit: pomegranite.
A body part: hands.
A piercing: bridge.
A movie: fight club.
A horror movie: 28 weeks later.
An amusement park: disneyland.
A car: GTOOOOO.
A continent: Australia.
A country: ^^^^
A friend: Kacie.
A school subject: english/literature.
A color: green.
Your favorite eye color: n/a i don't have.
A sport: sport fucking.
The color of your fingernails: white.
The last thing you ate: ummmmmzorz tea?
The last song you heard: "us" - regina spektor.
A holiday: halloween.
A dance: cotton-eye joe??
An ex: n/a
A cuss word: fuck. fuckfuckfuck.
A religion: hinduism.
A computer brand: apple.
A TV show: lost.

_____________________________________________________________________________

LAST PERSON.
1. Had a beer with? i guess mikay if smirnoff is considered beer.
2. Went to the movies with? lucille ball.
3. Went to the mall with? i don't remember.
4. Talked on the phone with? n/a
5. Made you laugh? chels.
6. You hugged? mom?
7. You yelled at? chels.

WOULD YOU RATHER...?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? nose.
2. Be serious or be funny? funny.
3. Drink whole or skim milk? neither.
4. Die in a fire or get shot? get shot by a long shot. (ba dum bum chhhh)

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY...
1. Sun or moon? moon.
2. Winter or Fall? fall.
3. Left or right? left.
4. Sunny or rainy? rainy.
5. Peach or Pear? pear.
6. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl but i like penne or other types of non-spaghetti esque noodles.
7. Do You cook? yes.
8. Current mood? sick.

IN THE LAST WEEK HAVE YOU...
1. Kissed someone? no.
2. Sang? yes.
3. Been hugged? yes.
4. Danced crazy? yes.
5. Cried? no.
6. Loved? sure?

______________________________________________________________________________

1. Do you ever say "yo, hoe!"?: more like in a piratey fashion.
2. Do you think you have a nice ass?: no.
3. Have you ever been called a scum sucking road whore?: not until now.
4. Did you realize that, that was from Mean Girls?: no i didn't but that's a funny fucking movie.
5. Have you ever seen Mean Girls?: ^^^
6. If not, would you like to?: -
7. Do you watch Charm School?: no?
8. Are you awesome at taking tests?: no.
9. Do you know all of the Ten Commandments?: i could probably guess.
10. Is a uniform required at your school?: n/a
11. Have you ever made up a rap?: yes.
12. Was it good?: pff, look who you're talking to. of course it was.
13. Are you outgoing?: sometimes.
14. Why/Why not?: sometimes i am and sometimes i'm not. it's just the way things are.
15. Is your bed comforter pink?: no.
16. How is your summer going so far?: n/a
17. Are you good at remembering things?: no. hell no.
18. Do you take Advil when you have headache?: yes, but i like excedrin better.
19. Are you wearing earrings right now?: yes.
20. Are you classy?: no, i'm ~*~klassy~*~~.
21. Is there anything/anyone bothering you right now?: besides being sick, not really no.
22. What are your plans for tomorrow?: well, i need a shower and caroline and sid vicious are having a movie night so hopefully i'll feel good enough to go.
23. Will tomorrow be fun?: hopefully.
24. Are you wearing eyeshadow?: on my arm. don't ask.
25. Have you gone swimming today?: no.
26. Do you own a hottub?: no.
27. Would you like to?: not particularly.
28. Have you ever played football?: yes.
29. Do you own a turquoise necklace?: no.
30. Would you ever name your kid 'Hannah'?: holy shit no.
31. Are you ready to fall in love?: i dunno.
32. Would you ever go on an online dating site?: maybe if i was totally and completely omggonnakillmyself desperate.
33. Don't ya hate scary commercials?: ???
34. Would you like to see Transformers?: i saw it.
35. Or do you think it looks stupid?: durrrrrr.
36. What's the background on your computer right now?: 3:10 to Yuma.
37. Have you had Coke Zero?: yes and i love it.
38. Do you dye your hair?: very rarely.
39. Are you tired right now?: yes.
40. What is acid rain?: it's what happens when i pee.
41. Do you like Poptarts?: yes.
42. When was the last time you drank milk?: i don't do milk. unless it's soy.
43. Did you know milk causes acne?: no. do i care? no.
44. Do you like Harry Potter?: hell yes.
45. How was this survey?: shittay.

______________________________________________________________________________

Time Passer
Do you like your school?: n/a
What did you last watch on tv?: a few minutes of The Truth About Cats and Dogs.
when was the last time you tied your shoes?: whenever i went out last.
ever driven a car before?: uh yeah.
who do you hang out with on the weekends?: charles manson.
do you play any sports?: no.
last song you heard?: "us" - regina spektor. yes, it's on repeat.
single, taken, idk?: single.
how is the weather?: night.
right now you feel....: cold, sick, bored.
when was the last time you played with play dough?: i dunno, but i always phantom smell it.
can you cook?: yes.
last thing you drank?: water.
have a myspace, facebook?: yes, no.
talking to anyone online?: no.
what did you dream about last night?: i don't remember.
do you like your life?: no, not really.
favorite song?: n/a
what color is your house?: i live in apartment. it's an apartment complex color.
do you wear socks?: rarely.
have any pets?: a cat, a dog who doesn't live with us.
parents still together?: no.
last time you went outside?: yesterday. well, actually, earlier i guess.
your last date was....: n/a
what kind of cell phone do you have?: sprint piece of shit.
last time you were sick?: now.
what did you eat for breakfast yesterday?: i don't remember.
did you go swimming at all this month?: no.
what shampoo do you use?: sunsilk.
what was the last thing that made you cry?: UHH I DO NOT KNOW.
do you know anyone with braces?: just, you know, myself. and my sister.
are you a flirt?: sometimes.
can you whistle?: yes?
last beach you went to?: moonlight aka the only beach i ever go to ever.
whose house did you last sleep over?: star jones's.
where was the last party you went to?: i don't really do parties.
are your nails painted?: chipped white.
do you ever watch the news?: sometimes.
most visited website you go on?: livejournal.
your street name?: charlie apathetic byotch.
are the clouds out or the stars?: dunno.
ever been to a farm?: maybe.
last movie you saw?: 3:10 to Yuma.
What’s your mail person's name?: Mail Person.
can you cross your eyes?: yes?
are you bored?: yes?
are you a good singer?: no?
can you dance?: nope?
what color are your eyes?: hazel.
last bone you broke?: riblets.
are you in love with anyone?: no.
laptop, pc?: OH MY GOD SOMEONE PUT SHIT IN MY PANTS. i don't fucking care.
when did you last wash your hands?: i don't know. five years ago?
last picture you took?: cameras = soul stealers.
when was the last time you had fun?: when my dick got hard.
what color is your room?: beige.
do you have any plants in the room you’re in?: a dead bamboo plant.
when was the last time you had a nightmare?: n/a
what kind of pants are you wearing?: black cloth capris.
have you flown in a plane this year?: no.

50 questions:

1. When was the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
GHEY.

2. What's the most exciting thing that happened to you today?
not much except my mom went to the store and she knew i had been jonesing for vanilla coke zero so she had me go down to the car and get the rest of the groceries and there, wating for me, was a 24 pack of vanilla coke zero. so i squeed myself. my life sucks.

3. How many best friends do you have?
three.

4. Would you rather get up early or sleep in?
get up early. it's exciting.

5. Tell me where you got each article of clothing you're wearing:
walmart, i dunno where the fuck this shirt came from.

6. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
69 3/4.

7. What would you change about your life right now?
i would find a job. that i could actually get to easily. with good pay. and benefits. and fun coworkers.

8. Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
smile over a lie that shit sounds sexy.

9. What's on your bedroom floor right now?
lots of clothes.

10. Who was the last person you got into an argument with?
chelsea i'm sure.

11. Do you trust people easily?
yes and no.

12. If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to?
i dunno, part of me would want to bay it up, the other part would want to explore a foreign land.

14. Could you go a day without eating?
bitch please.

15. How much do looks matter to you?
probably as much as the next person.

16. How do you feel about PDA?
holding hands, hugging = okay. kissing (pecks) = okay. gross makeout sessions w/ or w/o groping = not okay.

17. When is the last time you had your hair cut?
couple months ago.

18. Would you rather be mad or sad?
i don't know.

19. Does it take a lot to make you cry?
lol.

20. What's the worst car accident you've ever been in?
i thankfully haven't been in one yet, only fender benders (both times i wasn't driving).

21. Are you tight with your money?
no because I DON'T HAVE ANY.

22. How do you feel about liars?
this is a stupid question.

23. Do you tell your parents everything?
lol.

24. Would you rather be a bird or a fish?
bird.

25. Name one fear you have?
dolls.

26. If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive?
walk.

27. Does the thought of marriage scare you?
no, it doesn't scare me. it just doesn't sound like a good idea most times.

28. How many kids do you want?
0 - 0 1/2.

29. What's your favourite colour to wear?
i only ever really wear black.

30. Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you?
chelsea.

31. What did you do yesterday?
stayed inside.

32. Do you miss any of your exes?
n/a

33. Do any of them want you back?
na/a

34. What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg?
do a dance, wait for it to hatch and then ride that shit around and become Queen of teh_World.

35. Do you get bored easily?
yes and no.

36. What's something someone can do that really bothers you?
repeat themselves. INTERUPT ME/TALK OVER ME. omg i'll cut you.

37. Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger?
yes.

38. Do you wish you were famous?
not really.

39. What do you do to your eyebrows?
pluck them/trim them when i can't stand the way they look any longer.

40. When you're at the beach, do you swim or lay out more?
i don't really do either.

41. Who's the last text message you received from?
moniker/brittany.

42. How do you like your steak cooked?
invisibly.

43. What's your favourite song at the moment?
i don't know, assface turd eater.

44. Are you in love?
not/available.

45. Can music affect your mood?
no. never ever ever ever ever ever. ever.

46. What piercings do you want?
i dunno, i'm fickle. nostril, septum, bridge, anti-eyebrow, nape, double rook, helix, conch, maybe a dermal punch, etc...

47. What tattoos do you want?
if one more person asks me this fucking question, i swear to god...

48. Have you ever been in a cave?
maybe?

49. Have you ever eaten a bug?
when i was a kid i ate ants once. spicy fuckers.

50. Do you think there's someone for everyone?
i hope so or we're all fucked aren't we?

beargarden @ 2007-09-05T23:20:00

2007-09-06T06:28:14Z

some things i've realized that i would like to share with you:

coupling and doctor who are awesome shows.
sea salt soaks are pretty much the best thing ever for new piercings.
it's taken me 18 years to learn this but i finally realize i have a tendency to overdue things which leads to me being bored with them.
getting your braces "tightened" fucking hurts.
finding a job fucking sucks.
chuck palahniuk is one of my favorite authors.

and that's all i have at the moment. nothing exciting has been happening, i had an interview at Target nearly two weeks ago. i called yesterday and the operator didn't know who to transfer me to so she took my name and number down and said she'd get back to me ASAP. she hasn't yet but what i'm worried about is my mom's boyfriend is working from home these days and constantly has a fax machine set up so calls can't get through. i would've given the operator my cell number, but Sprint aka Shit doesn't give me service in the apartment. so i'm thinking either they just really suck, or they called and couldn't get through. i'll give them until friday before i call back again.

anyways, arch enemy on sunday and i am counting down the days until blaqk audio.

an update on my life

2007-08-22T06:42:48Z

so i guess i am 18 now. strangely enough, i do feel older, but i suppose that could be from being extremely tired, sick, and sore. i feel about 67 at the moment. anyways, these past ten days have been all sorts of amazing. i'm too lazy to elaborate on everything, but i'll do bullets for you.

Mikaela came out and there was loads of fun to be had
Went to a fun metal show
Went to SeaWorld with Mikay
Went to the beach with Mikay
Met Davey and Jade, had my Cexcells CD signed
Went to Disneyland/Bat's Day
Had my 18th birthday, got my tragus pierced

that's it in a nutshell. having Mikaela out is always fun. even though we only see each other twice a year if we're lucky, every time she comes out it feels like we've always been around each other. it was brought to my attention that she and i have been friends for nearly 5 years now, and that is pretty much insane. i don't know, it's just weird to think that i was a little 13-year-old girl and she was 17 when we met in that chatroom. infuckingsane.

anyways, yeah, these past few days have been a blast. i'm fucking exhausted but it's all good, everything was worth it. Bat's Day was fucking awesome, i seriously can't wait to do that again next year. getting pierced was sexy as hell and i can't wait to do that again either. we went bowling on my birthday and it was just fun, fun, fun. there was much ass-slapping to be had by all parties. there are pictures and videos none of which are in my possession but as soon as Mikaela and/or Katy decide to upload some, i'll show you.

in other news, i have an interview on thursday for Target and i really hope i get it. i'm kinda sick and tired of not having a job, i feel so useless most of the time. i just hope i can deal with it this time and i hope more than that, that i enjoy it. right now i feel like i need to make some changes in my life and in myself. i don't want to go into much detail right now because i still don't know what needs to be changed, but there's just certain things i feel like need to be fixed.

anyways, i'm tired and i feel like i'm not making much sense so i am going to go.
au revoir.

beargarden @ 2007-08-09T02:31:00

2007-08-09T09:32:53Z

i cannot stop hiccupping.
GODDAMNIT, STOP.

suddenly i feel less wise

2007-08-07T22:20:29Z

OR how i had five teeth viciously ripped out of my mouth and lived to tell the tale

keshia's already heard this, but i think it is a tale worth telling, so i have come to share with you all, the worst dental experience of my life.

it started on august 7th, 2007 just 13 days before my 18th birthday....yeah, yeah okay, so i didn't get a terrible amount of sleep last night because all i could think about was what horrors i was gonna be facing at the dentist's office the next day. so i wake up early and get dressed and go to the dentist and find out that i'm not gonna have three teeth removed like i originally though (two wisdoms and this weird funky one that is superfluous), but that i'm gonna have FIVE removed (four wisdoms and the superfluous). so i'm already scared of course and i'm thinking great, that's gonna keep me here another half an hour. anyways, my mom went with me but decided she was too fucking chicken to be in there with me and left me alone in the room with the two guys who were about to initiate me into a world of pain.

and can i just take a moment to say how absolutely creepy i find dentists to be? they chose a profession where they stick their fingers inside your mouth on a daily basis. they talk all softly but they have no problem yanking out your teeth. i seriously believe that all dentists are sado-masochists. not to mention the way they try and calm you down...they'll tell you to like, close your eyes or they'll hide the needle behind their backs when they're gonna give you numbing shots. I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT IS AND I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT, JUST STICK ME. not to mention my dentist was going "ohhh, she's tough, she's tough" just because i wasn't flinching when he was numbing me. perv. oh and then when he started taking my teeth out he was saying how he needed to put some gauze in there because he didn't want "that red stuff" to go down my throat. can he not just say "open your mouth, we need to stop the bleeding unless you want a stomach full of blood"? that'll work just fine for me, thanks.

anyways, he's numbed me up and i'm waiting for it to kick in, absolutely terrified of what is about to come. oh, and they don't give me any drugs, not even nitrous, they just numb me up and start working. i'm shaking by this point and i don't shake very often at all. now i know that the only time i shake is right before i have a fucking panic attack. so that's good to know. right, so he cuts into my gums and i can't feel anything but it makes this disgusting ripping noise. that's fine and dandy but then he gets this tool under my tooth and starts yanking, yanking, yanking and i'm raising my hand like he told me to do if i wanted him to stop and he's not stopping because he's a sado-masochist. finally they get the fucker out and i'm about to run out of the place because that was not pleasant. i tell him i need a breather (sort of...my entire mouth and tongue were numb) because i feel like i'm gonna vomit. i dry heave a couple of times and then this pre-vomit feeling turns into a pre-passing-out-cold feeling and i tell him that. he lets me sit there for a while, him and the hygenist keep asking me "are you okay? are you okay? doing okay?" and i just keep shaking my head no as much as i can. i feel sweaty, dizzy, like my brain is being pulled towards the back of my skull, my stomach hurts, i know my eyes were lolling around in their sockets, my vision was coming and going.

so finally they decide they need to move me to another room but guess what? if i stand up, i'm gonna hit the floor. so they bring out this rolling stool and have me maneuver myself onto it. i'm surprised i didn't fall off, really, because i barely remember them pushing me into another room. they tried to get me sit on another dentist's chair and i guess i did but i was so out of it i couldn't even lift my legs so the hygenist had to pick them up and put them on the seat for me. then they got out a mask and gave me oxygen and just let me sit there for a while and that made me feel so much better. the dentist comes back after i'm feeling stable and coherent and says he has a couple of options. 1) we can suture me up and stop call it a day, i can come back another time or 2) we can try again. knowing that if i left unfinished i could never make myself come back in i told him "JUSS' FUCKIN' DOO ITT". he grinned/laughed at me and we got to it.

the other four teeth weren't as bad (they decided they had better give me nitrous) and it was over fast with no more sickness to be spoken of. they sutured me up, cleaned my face of the spattered blood and sent me on my way. i walk out into the waiting room and i see these kids. my face is swollen and slack and i didn't know it at the time but there's dried blood all over my lips and teeth. i must have scared the shit outta those kids, hahaha. so that was that. my mouth hurts pretty badly even though i have vicodin. my throat hurts too, which is weird. there's snack packs waiting for me in the fridge and i'll be so excited when my mouth stops hurting enough to eat them.

i am really proud of myself for finishing it, i feel like a bad ass. i was really upset before/during the panic attack, but in retrospect it was kinda funny/weird and makes for an interesting story.

so basically, i'm down five teeth and my ego's doing well. :P

RAWRSADJHFDKH

2007-08-04T23:35:45Z

i am all sorts of pissed at the moment. as most of you know, my mom has a problem staying in marriages/relationships and changes them as often as she changes her clothes it seems. i don't remember how long she knew this guy, jerry, before she decided it'd be a good idea to have him move in, but i guarantee you it wasn't more than 2 months. he's been living with us for a month or two now and i'm just as angry now as i was when he first moved in. see, i like control in my house. it's one of the things i can control. i control what's in it, what it looks like, how it's run, etc. what i definitely DON'T like is when that control is taken away. and that/s exactly what i feel like is happening now.

you can't just come into my fucking house and decide to run it a different way. that doesn't work for me, sorry to say. and i know that sounds incredibly self-centered but i didn't fucking invite him to move in therefore, i'm not gonna bend over backwards and/or make compromises. it's gonna be my way and if he still wants to live here, fine, whatever. but it's not HIS house. i don't have to deal with HIS way of doing things, he has to deal with MINE. it's not that hard to understand, that's how it's supposed to be. i consider him to be a temporary fixture in this house and as such a guest. guests aren't supposed to be imposing.

anyways, what exactly is he doing to bother me? well, for one, he is completely changing my mother. she never used to drink but now that he is here, she tends to have at least one beer every night. i don't have a problem with her drinking, or his drinking, but i know the only reason why she is drinking is because it's expected of her. she wouldn't choose to buy and drink beer if she was by herself. secondly, there's MEAT and CHEESE in my fucking refrigerator. again, i don't have a problem with people eating meat and/or cheese, but i don't like meat in my house nor excessive amounts of dairy. and that's exactly what's going on right now. not to mention all the fucking junk food. fat christ, it's disgusting. and the best part is they're constantly talking about getting "healthy" and losing weight, yet all they buy is fucking crap. it's so infuriating. "I NEED MY MEAT", "BEER IS GOOD FOR YOU", "POTATOES ARE BAD FOR YOU". are you fucking kidding me, sir. what an idiot.

and then there's just him in general. everything i do, he does the exact opposite. i try to conserve money, he spends with reckless abandon. everything about him bothers me. the way he looks, the way he speaks, the way he thinks, what he likes, what he dislikes. he's fat, he breathes so heavily I CAN HEAR HIM IN THE NEXT ROOM. he's a redneck, he's homophobic, he's self-righteous. he makes me ashamed to be human. when he listens to music, it's always the same fucking songs over and over again. HE LIKES STEVEN SEAGAL MOVIES FOR CHRISSAKES. he's turned my entire house on its head and it makes me physically sick to my stomach. our house is a fucking mess and yes, i do blame it on him. he's fucking lazy and makes my mom do everything, just like her previous husbands/boyfriends have done. why she puts up with it, i don't know. it makes me seriously look forward to living by myself, completely alone, no roommates, no boyfriends, no husbands. how sad is that? the way she lives makes me look forward to complete isolation. lovely. brilliant.

in other news, my fish died. my fault, i didn't feed it enough. still, i like to think it killed itself. why it would kill itself, i don't know, but i like to think that for some reason.

in other, other news, Mikaela is coming out a week from today. she'll be staying for 10 days and will be here for my 18th birthday which means a lot to me. i don't know what we're gonna do for those 10 days. i know we'll go to SeaWorld and hopefully Disneyland on Bat's Day, that would be cool. maybe the zoo. i wanna go ice skating because that's just what she and i do. i bet we'll probably play the Sims a lot, maybe go to the beach and i'll watch from the shore because i am not going in the water. we'll probably swim in the pool here. go to the mall, see a movie. it's going to be interesting because we're fucking low on money (thanks to jerry and my social security check running out) and i don't have any of my own. i'm getting fed up with jamba juice because they haven't sent me my paycheck. i've been too chicken to call but this is fucking ridiculous, i want my goddamn money.

SO BASICALLY WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS I AM REALLY FUCKING ANGRY AT THE WORLD. OKAY.

p.s. cexcells is really good. but i could have told you that like 3 years ago.

EDIT: oh yeah, this concerns pretty much no one i'm sure, but i thought it was pretty funny/weird. i have this best friend, mikaela, and she's a few years older than me, so she's like my older sister. anyways, we've found that everything that happens to her, happens to me. she's lactose intolerant......and now i am. dairy makes me sick these days. so i've cut it out of my diet and since all we have in this house is MEAT and CHEESE there's nothing for me to eat (really, all i've had today is ricecakes and baby carrots). i guess my being hungry might explain why i am so pissy...... anyways, i'm seriously done now.

comic-con, mostly

2007-08-01T01:51:52Z

as the title suggests, this entry is mostly about comic-con. i had a fun time, as i always do, but i must admit, somehow, this year just wasn't as good as previous years. i didn't get nearly as much free shit as i usually do, and as much as i love film, i feel like hollywood's presence there was a little overbearing this time around. this was the first time EVER that comic-con has sold out all four days and i have a feeling the only reason why that happened was because of the celebrities that showed up. i definitely don't mind them pushing movies that are based off comic books or movies that are horror-themed (such as zombie movies) or sci-fi/fantasy themed because those just work. but pushing movies like Good Luck Chuck and Balls of Fury and Superbad just had no place at comic-con, in my opinion.

anyways, i was absolutely exhausted after those four days (five if you count preview night). wednesday was preview night and katy and i decided we weren't gonna pay for a trolley ticket. of course, we stop in Little Italy and there are a fuckload of cops there. i say i didn't know we needed a ticket and the cop takes our IDs, has a sit down, asks us a shitload of questions, gives us warnings. says we could have received a $117 ticket. so happy we didn't. thursday, we brought Jeff and mostly just saw the Lost Season 4 panel and walked around the floor. on friday, we went to the Halloween panel with Rob Zombie. later, we saw Hal Sparks, Danzig, Danny Trejo, Brian Posehn and maybe someone else walking around the floor. i had Roman Dirge sign a Lenore comic for me, and he was of course, sweet as always. Saturday we spent the whole day in panels. they showed a trailer for Iron Man and it looks awesome. i'm excited for the new Hulk movie. on Saturday i also met souperbassi26 and her friend and they were both sweet and it was definitely nice meeting both of them. :)

Sunday may have been my favorite day, surprisingly. during the entire con, there was a bunch of people walking around with "Free Hugs" signs, and katy and i decided we'd do the same. well, mine was Free Hugs, her's was Free High-Fives. we started to count, but soon lost interest. we started at 9AM and went until 5PM and i would guess that in that time I received about 75-100 hugs. it was great to see how much it brightened someone's day. to see them come at you with arms wide open, smiling. it was truly heart warming and i plan on doing it much more often. it was amazing. anyways, we went with brittany and demetrio and just walked around the floor mostly, but also went back to the Roman Dirge signing for my sister and the Jhonen Vasquez signing where i complimented Jenny Goldberg on her plugs and the "I'm Fucking You" comic. it was fun.

but yeah, that was my comic-con. in other news, Mikaela is definitely coming out for my birthday. she'll be here from 8/11 to 8/21 and i am very excited. we'll probably be going to Disneyland, and definitely be going to Seaworld at least once. i'm not sure what all we're gonna do, but it'll be great to have her out here again. i really want to get a tattoo on my 18th, but i'm still completely lost as to what it should be. i keep coming back to the same thing, though: "perfectly flawed". which are lyrics from Otep. not only does it show my love for Otep, but i think its meaning is important. self-acceptance and all that.

i want some tea.

beargarden @ 2007-07-13T21:28:00

2007-07-14T04:47:18Z

i had a really bizarre dream last night. i was at disneyland for some reason or another (this is the second time i've dreamed of disneyland in the past two nights, for the record) and i was with my sister and i was also in charge of this little kid. well, this kid happens to be me. as a two year old. so yeah, 17-year-old me is looking after 2-year-old me. really fucking bizarre. i really liked me though? haha? it was so fucking weird. anyways, 2-year-old me was really good, really obedient, very cute (2-year-old me had kind of a mohawk thing going on). the problem wasn't the little me getting lost. it was 17-year-old me leaving her behind. and i kept freaking out, running back to where i left her, and she was just sitting there completely content, not at all scared that she had just been abandoned. then there was mathew fox as a host/usher at this restaurant and there was this harry potter attraction in which you could duel a hologram voldemort. it was really weird. so yeah. then, before i know it, i'm in a shower with voldemort and it turns kind of into this weird sex dream thing? i don't fucking know. that is one of the weirdest dreams i have EVER had.

ANYWAYS.

harry potter and the order of the phoenix is really good. you should go see it. uhh right now.

beargarden @ 2007-07-08T20:26:00

2007-07-09T03:27:23Z

My mom asked me an interesting question today.
"Would you get tattooed with me?"
:D

So I think we're gonna get matching mother/daughter tattoos.
Now all I have to do is come up with a design.
Yep. :)

beargarden @ 2007-07-03T00:36:00

2007-07-03T07:43:16Z

DISNEYLAND TODAY!
I'm so excited I could pee. Seriously, if you ever want to see me revert back to the ways of a five year old...
Just take me to Disneyland. Anyways, I'll be leaving in about 5 1/2 hours.
And you better believe we'll be there from open to close (8AM-Midnight).
Probably won't be taking pictures, seeing as my camera sucks (although we have a disposable so maybe we'll take a few).
Feel free to call me, I'm sure I'll be bored waiting in the 1+ hour long lines.
Squee!

Also, shout out to Mikaela to had her 22nd birthday yesterday! LUFF YOU MIKAY.

Be back Wednesday, but if I don't talk to any of you then, Happy Independence Day!

P.S. My baby sister is 16 now. o_O;; Crazy shit.

LOL

2007-06-20T04:41:42Z

so yeah. me, katy and caroline are going to las vegas tomorrow.
surprised? yeah me too. we didn't figure that out until today.
our SF plans fell through so we decided to go to vegas instead.
i'll be leaving at 7AM tomorrow and won't be back until friday afternoon/evening.
:)