Current location:	home
Current mood:	frustrated
Current music:	nodes of ranvier - dolores

i am frustrated and disappointed.
i am frustrated and disappointed with most everything, my home life being the most frustrating and disappointing currently, but it is not by any means the only part of my life, of America's and humanity's lives, that is discouraging.

i've been "away" from home (read: not living at home, but coming to visit twice a week or so for a few hours) for a month now. i never thought my mother would allow it to reach the point it has. i thought i would spend maybe a week at my grandma's and my mom would realize what was important and tell Jerry to leave so i could come back. but this just goes to show how terribly desperate my mother is and how apparently idiotic i am. i should have known, sadly from experience, that when there is a man involved, my sister and i are pushed to the background and my mom becomes an entirely different person. thankfully though, she is trying to get him to leave by this weekend. unfortunately, however, she just came in and asked me what she should do if he won't leave.

rawr.

i know everybody says this, and most people end up doing it anyway, but i don't want to end up like my mother. i feel like i won't, but it always is at the back of my mind. i'm always wondering if i'll be in the same predicament financially (which is horrible, by the way...i'll elaborate) and have a stupid boyfriend that i hate or have no boyfriend at all but want one so desperately that i'm willing to put myself in dangerous situations and/or ignore my family in order to find one. that terrifies me. it terrifies me to think that in 20 years i could possibly have no career, be relying on someone else to make sure i'm eating, paying my bills. it seems so confining, so demeaning in a way. i do not want to be like my mother. and i don't want her to continue doing what she's been doing either, but no matter how much i try and get her to change, she's secretly unwilling and she'll only ever change if she decides she wants to.

but yeah, our financial situation is just terrible. we were all living off of social security checks that we were receiving from my father's death (which is not smart...it's meant to help out, not to live off of) but my check ran out a couple months back, so now all we have is Chelsea's which is $1200/month and rent alone is nearly $700/month. my mom did have a job where she was making about $400/week but Jerry convinced her to quit that. Jerry of course is bringing in no money whatsoever and does in fact owe my mother and my great grandparents a good sum of money (i don't know exactly, but i'd guess well over $1200). my mom has been looking for another job and so have i. i planned on going back to school for spring classes but now it's just not going to happen. i'm going to have to find a full time job and just work as much as i can and help my mom dig herself out of the hole Jerry has buried her in. it's a sad life, but it's the way i gotta live. i can't go out and have fun anymore because we don't have any money. finding a job is kicking my ass, too. i never thought it would be this hard but i'm inexperienced and young and don't have a great employment history but i absolutely need something or there's a risk of my family being kicked out of our place and going hungry. doesn't help we live in southern California, the most expensive effing place to live.

anyways, that's all i got pretty much. i just felt like bitching. there's quite a bit more to bitch about but i don't have the clarity of mind or patience to write about it. all in all, i am discouraged and disenchanted with most aspects of life. i can't help but feel i've been cheated out of something, that i've been mislead to believe life was something quite a bit easier, quite a bit more enjoyable and a hell of a lot more beautiful than it turned out to be. that being said, i am such a romantic to the point where it is morbid and pathetic so i'll probably keep holding on to my idealistic views of the world until oh, i'd say nuclear war.

in other, better news, i don't know how i lived before Pushing Daisies.