i think something good might be happening to me.

*peeks head in*
'ello.
i has computer nao.
that is all.

 my computer is dead.
just thought i would let those of you who are less likely to check myspace than here (coughkaciecough).
i have no idea when it will be fixed or when i can get a new one. it sucks huge balls.
the end.

hey everyone, i need a favor big time.

basically, one of my favorite bands, Walls of Jericho, was set to hit a 44-city tour this coming week with a bunch of other good bands. i've been looking forward to this show for months and am planning on driving from San Diego to Hollywood to see it. however, this band's label, Trustkill, decided to pull their tour funding and support at the (almost) last minute and now they're not playing any of the dates. it's total bullshit and i've started a petition to try and get them back on the tour.

if you could all sign this for me, whether you know/like the band or whatever, it would mean a lot.
http://www.petitiononline.com/wallsof/petition.html

i don't know if it'll work, but it's worth a shot.

honestly, i'm gonna be pretty bummed if they decide not to keep me at Borders....

so i guess i haven't posted in a while. i'm a big fan of the bulletin function, so let's use that.

• finally got a job at Borders. right now i'm just seasonal, but it's going really well and if i can somehow learn to stand for seven or eight hours on end without my legs being totally dead in the hours/day following, i will probably try and stay. i work registers at the moment, which is fine, but if they keep me, they'd be training me on info so i could work the rest of the store. it's a pretty cool job and it helps that everyone so far has been pretty nice (except for a couple people who haven't been mean per se, just not warm/friendly). so yeah, there's that bit.
• it's now December in case you hadn't noticed. i think we will be getting our Christmas tree today. speaking of Christmas and my job, that's where everyone will be getting their presents this year because i have a sweet 33% discount on most things (except DVDs and CDs but i still get 10 or 20%, i forget). what's even better than 33% is they're having another 'employee appreciate day' where your 33% discount becomes a 40% discount. can't beat that shit.
• went and saw Stolen Babies and Creature Feature up in Hollywood with el Katy and Caroline. good times, good times. we went up super early so we could explore Hollywood a bit. we walked all over Hollywood Blvd and saw all the stars and the Chinese Theater and whatnot. it was pretty cool. we also spent a bit of time at the mall there, Hollywood and Highland. then we went over to Amoeba music which is just fucking epic. if you ever get a chance to go, do it. also, before the show at Johnny Rockets, we met a Mexican greaser named Chewy. good times. and the show was fun but kind of weird because there was no crowd movement for the most part. oh and i saw Danny Bonaduce inside Longs.
• as for Walls of Jericho, they were absolutely amazing again and i had so much fun even though i got the shit kicked out of me. we were right up front again, singing along and getting some mic play from Candace. during the set, towards the end, all these stage divers popped up and i got kicked in the face and then like two minutes later i got punched in the nose. i was sure i broke it, but it didn't bleed and it's doing just fine. Aaron gave me a drumstick that isn't Walls' but it's a drumstick. afterwards we went out by the merch and talked to the merch girl Brooke, and Aaron and Chris. i had a blast.
• next thing that's coming up is probably Lamb of God up in Long Beach with a bunch of people because i'm not working and Katy is insisting that i go. :P so yeah that's probably the next adventure.

just some things.

• i just made possibly the worst cup of coffee ever. seriously. FAIL.
  
• yesterday (two days ago?) was Halloween but it kinda sorta sucked balls. FAIL.
• still don't have a job. FAIL.
• it's now November. FAIL.

• Katy and i were thanked in the new Otep album. WINWINWINWINWINWIN. SO MUCH MOFUCKING WIN.
• Stolen Babies, Creature Features, Walls de Jericho at the end of the month. WIN!

aaaaaaand i think that's it. i really don't have anything interesting to say, so here's a picture of a baby chipmunk:

you know, it may be tactless for jerry to ash his cigarettes off over the side of the patio, but it's also tactless to talk about not only him, but my whole family to other neighbors so everyone can hear. 

i am frustrated and disappointed.
i am frustrated and disappointed with most everything, my home life being the most frustrating and disappointing currently, but it is not by any means the only part of my life, of America's and humanity's lives, that is discouraging.

i've been "away" from home (read: not living at home, but coming to visit twice a week or so for a few hours) for a month now. i never thought my mother would allow it to reach the point it has. i thought i would spend maybe a week at my grandma's and my mom would realize what was important and tell Jerry to leave so i could come back. but this just goes to show how terribly desperate my mother is and how apparently idiotic i am. i should have known, sadly from experience, that when there is a man involved, my sister and i are pushed to the background and my mom becomes an entirely different person. thankfully though, she is trying to get him to leave by this weekend. unfortunately, however, she just came in and asked me what she should do if he won't leave.

rawr.

i know everybody says this, and most people end up doing it anyway, but i don't want to end up like my mother. i feel like i won't, but it always is at the back of my mind. i'm always wondering if i'll be in the same predicament financially (which is horrible, by the way...i'll elaborate) and have a stupid boyfriend that i hate or have no boyfriend at all but want one so desperately that i'm willing to put myself in dangerous situations and/or ignore my family in order to find one. that terrifies me. it terrifies me to think that in 20 years i could possibly have no career, be relying on someone else to make sure i'm eating, paying my bills. it seems so confining, so demeaning in a way. i do not want to be like my mother. and i don't want her to continue doing what she's been doing either, but no matter how much i try and get her to change, she's secretly unwilling and she'll only ever change if she decides she wants to.

but yeah, our financial situation is just terrible. we were all living off of social security checks that we were receiving from my father's death (which is not smart...it's meant to help out, not to live off of) but my check ran out a couple months back, so now all we have is Chelsea's which is $1200/month and rent alone is nearly $700/month. my mom did have a job where she was making about $400/week but Jerry convinced her to quit that. Jerry of course is bringing in no money whatsoever and does in fact owe my mother and my great grandparents a good sum of money (i don't know exactly, but i'd guess well over $1200). my mom has been looking for another job and so have i. i planned on going back to school for spring classes but now it's just not going to happen. i'm going to have to find a full time job and just work as much as i can and help my mom dig herself out of the hole Jerry has buried her in. it's a sad life, but it's the way i gotta live. i can't go out and have fun anymore because we don't have any money. finding a job is kicking my ass, too. i never thought it would be this hard but i'm inexperienced and young and don't have a great employment history but i absolutely need something or there's a risk of my family being kicked out of our place and going hungry. doesn't help we live in southern California, the most expensive effing place to live.

anyways, that's all i got pretty much. i just felt like bitching. there's quite a bit more to bitch about but i don't have the clarity of mind or patience to write about it. all in all, i am discouraged and disenchanted with most aspects of life. i can't help but feel i've been cheated out of something, that i've been mislead to believe life was something quite a bit easier, quite a bit more enjoyable and a hell of a lot more beautiful than it turned out to be. that being said, i am such a romantic to the point where it is morbid and pathetic so i'll probably keep holding on to my idealistic views of the world until oh, i'd say nuclear war.

in other, better news, i don't know how i lived before Pushing Daisies.